The happiest day of my life will be the day that I die.

This is about to be a shitty depressing post. It is nice that I have this website so that I can passive aggressively tell the world how I feel and yet feel comfortable that they will never actually hear what I have to say. Human life is suffering. I know we should be able to accept this. But it is hard. It's like, I can't even just coast along if I want to. Coasting along basically means death. Even if I were to fast and not eat anything, I basically need $600/mo just to survive. $450 for rent and utilities and $150 for health insurance (if I can find it that cheap). This doesn't even cover food. Or Fun for that matter. And if I have all these things and I am miserable right now...what choice do I have? I can either try and make more money and hope that the extra cash will provide some sort of meaning. Or I can pursue my own desires in pursuit of happiness which would require me to fall below the threshold of basic needs and then how happy will I be then? I feel screwed either way.

I just feel fucked by the world. I have been trying so hard lately I thought. At least comparatively with my peers that I can observe. It seems like I am trying to read more. To work diligently. Be a positive person. I feel like I have been trying really hard to be productive with my time. Go to the gym. Clean the house. I feel like I have been a responsible adult for the most part. I shop. I have a clean driving record. I am well-like by my co-workers. But I just feel like shit. I feel like at best i can end up a rich stubborn sad man. At worst a poor trailer park junkie. I've already tried college several times. It is a joke and I failed out. I have alcohol problems. I feel like I have been trying to drink less, but all it does is alienate me from my friends. I feel like I have been trying to be more responsible with my drinking but all it does is make me more lonely by trying to quit. 

I thought I had been hot on the trail of truth for the past few months, but now it all seems like bullshit. What changed? Last night. My roommate's girlfriend brought over one of her long-time friends who had been visiting. I had the best time. I thought we got along great and I tried to play a gentleman. I went to bed earlier than the rest of them so that I could go to work the next day. But they all went to a hot-springs resort tonight and I stayed at work. And work sucked and I didn't even really need to be there. I have a serious case of FOMO. Also I just kind of see how sad and shitty I really am. And I thought I had been on a better track this whole time. And now I just am totally blindsided. Part of me wants to double down on the pursuits I have been chasing. The startup scene, learning Office Management stuff at my job. But the other part of me just wants to kill myself. It all just seems so useless. I don't see how people can live one. I thought I was on the right track with my ideologies, but they don't even seem to be helping me right now. I think the easiest way for me to kill myself will be to wait at the cross walk by the trax crossing. Then as it is passing I can just hurry and lay my neck on the track and that should decapitate me or at least break my neck. I have to be sure to do it right before the train is about to pass so that they don't brake. I said this would be the easiest for me, but it wouldn't be the easiest for those involved. It would be a major inconvenience to the people riding the train and trying to get someplace. There is also a good chance that it could traumatize someone and that isn't something that I would want to cause.

So I think the easiest method for others to deal with, but harder for me to accomplish would be to overdose on heroin. I have never done heroin, there is the obvious hurdle of where to obtain it in large amounts, and then administering it to myself in a surefire method that would insure my swift death. I like the heroin approach because I would also get a high before my death, I could then just let the opioid cut off my oxygen flow and I would asphyxiate more or less. This would be easier for cleanup. Also my family could rationalize that it was something besides a drug overdose. I don't think I'll really leave a note. This is a bit of a note here. I just want to disappear. To not have to wake up in the morning anymore. No more need to focus my mind on a task. No more just continually trying to make something significant out of my life. It would be really nice to just not have to worry any more. For the stress to just disappear back into the world from which it came to me. 

No more trying my hardest to think the best of people. No more trying to always be positive and help other people with their lives. No more listening to peoples problems. No more trying to find music that uplifts me. No more trying to stop drinking. No more trying to educate myself and find a good job. No more staying in contact with family to keep those ties strong. No more helping my friends out with their lives. No more having to try vainlessly to understand the world that I live in. No more having to make good impressions. No more having to drive on crowded roads. No more cold weather to shudder to. No more rain and snow to dredge through. No more rent to pay. No more world events to keep up with. No social media contacts to impress. No more people to have to show and prove my love for. No more bosses to please. No more friends to provide for. No more work schedule. No more reality. No more fight. No more fight for survival. 

I wish that I lived in a concentration camp. So that I could feel my suffering was justified. So that I could justify my suffering by an actually oppression. Instead my suffering is invisible. No one sees my oppressor. If I were in a concentration camp I could just smoke my last cigarette and let the diseases and famine overtake me. I could run into the electric fence. Maybe I could try to escape and be shot and killed. Instead I just carry on. I carry on with my mediocre life. I try to make it more than just mediocre but I am honestly wondering if that is even possible. I have so many dreams and desires that lie outside of the realm of a mediocre life. And I thought I was doing the right things to achieve those dreams. But now I just really am doubting it all. Because i saw something last night that I think I really wanted. It was to meet someone with whom I can actually relate. And I feel like I had a glimpse of that last night. And now it is gone. And I feel like it is gone because of the path I have been following to achieve my dreams lead me away from that. So now I am just really confused. I am mostly sad. Because I think I know I made the wrong decisions. And I thought I was making the right decisions at the time. And now I am not so sure. And now I am just kind of fucking lost.